Date:
May 11, 2000
Time:
11:35 pm
Right now I'm feeling: Crappy and annoyed

Right now I'm listening to: Do As Infinity

Do As Infinity: Standing on the Hill

Quote of the Day:
"It is hard to fight an enemy who has outposts in your head."
-- Sally Kempton

Smokescreen

I biffed it. The other day I uploaded the entry with a critical error. I came back from school today to check to see if the sites I have the RealAudio files loaded had taken them off yet and imagine my surprise when I clicked on the play button below the image of 'Morning Musume' and heard the one and only Utada Hikaru! AAAHH!! How could I do that to her?!?

Well, it's all fixed now, so fear not, true believers. I'll do my best for it not to happen again.

Washi, the pregnant English teacher I mentioned in my last entry, and I had another interesting discussion in her car on the way to work this morning. I asked her about the smoking in the teachers' room. Cuz, y'know, she's pregnant. She said that last year there was a teacher who was pregnant and the principal asked everyone in the teachers' room to stop smoking, but they got angry. They refused to stop. They also said that they didn't stop smoking throughout their wives' pregnancies and their children turned out just fine. She said they were proud of that fact.

What selfish ignorant bastards!?! I swear, if they were around at that moment... I'd have taken them apart. Any of them. All of them. Most of them are small (which makes them about my size), out of shape, and older. Old farts. I'm not really a violent person, but something like this, I feel... so angry, furious...How could they not even care at all??? How could they not believe or care that those things are poison to not only themselves, but 10X that to the unborn??? Those fuckers. I hope they rot in hell.

Rebellion

I suggested she put up more of a fuss about the whole mess. If she and some of the other women teachers complain about it (no women teachers smoke for some reason) and keep complaining, I'm sure that would have an effect. But they're so goddam meek and compliant. In a great number of words, she said that if she were to complain like that she would disrupt the harmony of the workplace. What a bunch of horseshit!! It's the filthy smokers who are messing with the harmony. She partially agreed with me but gave me the,

"Ttttttttttttthhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"

Then I suggested that she move her desk out of the teachers' room. To the counselor's room or some other room with some space for visitors. She said that she couldn't do that for the same reason.

Well, let me tell you, I have just about had it with the smoking in that room, too. It makes me sick to my stomach, the hypocrisy of it all. They yell and scold the students, lecture them on the dangers of smoking, while blowing smoke in their faces. My desk is surrounded on two sides by chain smokers. The smoke is so thick sometimes, that I can poke my finger in the wall of smoke and make funny faces. I told her that I would be moving my books and permanent desk residence downstairs to one of the empty desks in the partitioned counselor's room. She was aghast.

I only had two clases today, and after my second class I started packing up my books and stuff. The principal saw me and asked,

"So, Jeff, today... you are going home so early...?"

"No, I'm just tired of the filthy smoke in here. I can't stand it and I can't believe no one will stop smoking while Washi is pregnant. It makes me sick. So, I'm moving downstairs to save my clothes from stinking, to save my health from the teachers here, and to protest, do you understand that? Protest, the other teachers' insensitivity to all the non-smokers in the room."

His face turned ashen. When other teachers ask him why I'm never in the teachers' room anymore, that's what he's going to have to tell them.

*Jeff cackles with mad delight

Yeah, let them put that in their pipe and smoke it.

Stocks

The stock market is so far down into the toilet that it's going to need professional spelunkers to get it's ass out. This will affect what I decide to do once I leave Japan. I still have no idea what I'm going to do once I get back to civilization... This is really depressing me.

And Now, the Work Bit

So I've been trying to get out of going to those elementary schools next week. When the principal of Isao mentioned it earlier this week he sounded proud that he was able to arrange it. Dear God. Work at this school is wearing me down, and I have to worry about another school now, too? Not only that, he said that other elementary schools may want me to visit them next week during the afternoons, too. So after teaching loaded days next week (my classes are loaded because there's only four periods during the day which means less time for Jeff to make his rounds to every class) I go to another place to be squeezed, prodded, and poked by babbling little tykes whose only wish is that I make a fool of myself for their amusement (hmmm, sounds a lot like my current schools). Sure, I'll teach them songs, I'll dance the Hokey Pokey for them, and I'll explain to them all what it is to be American in the half hour I'll see each class.

Oh, sure. The foreigner has infinite energy. He's the goddam Energizer Bunny™, didn't you know?

Yes, I know. I know. I'm just whining again. Damn. Gotta stop that shit. I'm sure it'll be fine... but I just want to rest...

whimper whimper

Nightmares

I have a problem with nightmares. To such the extent that I almost dread going to sleep these days. When I was young I never had nightmares. Never. But for the past eight months I've waken up about four times a week during the night with some horrific vomitious vision of my subconscious. Occasionally I wake up sweating or with tears of fright, shock or sadness in my eyes. It's becoming a serious problem. You name it, I've dreamt it. Ruin. Death. Injury. Danger. Common themes. I hate dreaming.

I was surfing the net for about an hour today looking for a possible solution. Herbs, vitamins, whatever. I don't care as long as it's not addictive. I didn't really find anything, though. Meditation helps some, if I do it right before I go to sleep, but the less sleep I get, the harder it is to meditate.

Meditation

Things are really coming at me lately. I was starting to stress out so I tried to meditate, but didn't have much success. Sometimes, you just can't. It's weird because it seems like such a learned skill to me. Just like riding a bicycle. But sometimes, you just can't do it. It feels as ridiculous as getting on a bicycle and falling over before you can start pedalling.

The Air

The air is tense. Like the skin stretched tight over a drum or a rubberband on the verge of snapping.

A Time of Leaving

I have so got to get the hell out of here. Not Japan, but out of this city. I've been cooped up here for too long. I haven't gone anywhere really since last summer and I didn't go anywhere for Golden Week. It just seems like everything's hitting me at once. It's been a rough week. And my supervisor, Mr. T, just invited me to dinner on Saturday; I don't know if I can get out of it. I'm sure he just wants to butter me and the other ALTs up to all of our "responsibilites" with the new ALT. Hell, I might just blow it off and go anyway. I don't know. I'll see how I feel tomorrow.

But that thing called adventure is definitely in the air. I might have no choice about leaving.

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