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Smokescreen
I biffed
it. The other day I uploaded the
entry with a critical error. I came back from school today
to check to see if the sites I have the RealAudio files loaded
had taken them off yet and imagine my surprise when I clicked
on the play button below the image of 'Morning Musume' and
heard the one and only Utada Hikaru! AAAHH!! How could I do
that to her?!?
Well, it's
all fixed now, so fear not, true believers. I'll do my best
for it not to happen again.
Washi,
the pregnant English teacher I mentioned in
my last entry, and I had another interesting discussion
in her car on the way to work this morning. I asked her about
the smoking in the teachers' room. Cuz, y'know, she's pregnant.
She said that last year there was a teacher who was pregnant
and the principal asked everyone in the teachers' room to
stop smoking, but they got angry. They refused to stop. They
also said that they didn't stop smoking throughout their wives'
pregnancies and their children turned out just fine.
She said they were proud of that fact.
What selfish
ignorant bastards!?! I swear, if they were around at that
moment... I'd have taken them apart. Any of them. All of them.
Most of them are small (which makes them about my size), out
of shape, and older. Old farts. I'm not really a violent person,
but something like this, I feel... so angry, furious...How
could they not even care at all??? How could they not believe
or care that those things are poison to not only themselves,
but 10X that to the unborn??? Those fuckers.
I hope they rot in hell.
Rebellion
I suggested
she put up more of a fuss about the whole mess. If she and
some of the other women teachers complain about it (no women
teachers smoke for some reason) and keep complaining, I'm
sure that would have an effect. But they're so goddam meek
and compliant. In a great number of words, she said that if
she were to complain like that she would disrupt the harmony
of the workplace. What a bunch of horseshit!! It's the filthy
smokers who are messing with the harmony. She partially agreed
with me but gave me the,
"Ttttttttttttthhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"
Then I
suggested that she move her desk out of the teachers' room.
To the counselor's room or some other room with some space
for visitors. She said that she couldn't do that for the same
reason.
Well, let
me tell you, I have just about had it with the smoking in
that room, too. It makes me sick to my stomach, the hypocrisy
of it all. They yell and scold the students, lecture them
on the dangers of smoking, while blowing smoke in their faces.
My desk is surrounded on two sides by chain smokers. The smoke
is so thick sometimes, that I can poke my finger in the wall
of smoke and make funny faces. I told her that I would be
moving my books and permanent desk residence downstairs to
one of the empty desks in the partitioned counselor's room.
She was aghast.
I only
had two clases today, and after my second class I started
packing up my books and stuff. The principal saw me and asked,
"So,
Jeff, today... you are going home so early...?"
"No,
I'm just tired of the filthy smoke in here. I can't stand
it and I can't believe no one will stop smoking while Washi
is pregnant. It makes me sick. So, I'm moving downstairs to
save my clothes from stinking, to save my health from the
teachers here, and to protest, do you understand that? Protest,
the other teachers' insensitivity to all the non-smokers in
the room."
His face
turned ashen. When other teachers ask him why
I'm never in the teachers' room anymore, that's what he's
going to have to tell them.
*Jeff cackles
with mad delight
Yeah, let
them put that in their pipe and smoke it.
Stocks
The stock
market is so far down into the toilet that it's going to need
professional spelunkers to get it's ass out. This will affect
what I decide to do once I leave Japan. I still have no idea
what I'm going to do once I get back to civilization... This
is really depressing me.
And
Now, the Work Bit
So I've
been trying to get out of going to those elementary schools
next week. When the principal of Isao mentioned it earlier
this week he sounded proud that he was able to arrange it.
Dear God. Work at this school is wearing me down, and I have
to worry about another school now, too? Not only that, he
said that other elementary schools may want me to visit them
next week during the afternoons, too. So after teaching loaded
days next week (my classes are loaded because there's only
four periods during the day which means less time for Jeff
to make his rounds to every class) I go to another place to
be squeezed, prodded, and poked by babbling little tykes whose
only wish is that I make a fool of myself for their amusement
(hmmm, sounds a lot like my current schools). Sure, I'll teach
them songs, I'll dance the Hokey Pokey for them, and I'll
explain to them all what it is to be American in the half
hour I'll see each class.
Oh,
sure. The foreigner has infinite energy. He's the goddam Energizer
Bunny™, didn't you know?
Yes, I
know. I know. I'm just whining again. Damn. Gotta stop that
shit. I'm sure it'll be fine... but I just want to rest...
whimper
whimper
Nightmares
I have
a problem with nightmares. To such the extent that I almost
dread going to sleep these days. When I was young I never
had nightmares. Never. But for the past eight months I've
waken up about four times a week during the night with some
horrific vomitious vision of my subconscious. Occasionally
I wake up sweating or with tears of fright, shock or sadness
in my eyes. It's becoming a serious problem. You name it,
I've dreamt it. Ruin. Death. Injury. Danger. Common themes.
I hate dreaming.
I was surfing
the net for about an hour today looking for a possible solution.
Herbs, vitamins, whatever. I don't care as long as it's not
addictive. I didn't really find anything, though. Meditation
helps some, if I do it right before I go to sleep, but the
less sleep I get, the harder it is to meditate.
Meditation
Things
are really coming at me lately. I was starting to stress out
so I tried to meditate, but didn't have much success. Sometimes,
you just can't. It's weird because it seems like such a learned
skill to me. Just like riding a bicycle. But sometimes, you
just can't do it. It feels as ridiculous as getting on a bicycle
and falling over before you can start pedalling.
The
Air
The
air is tense. Like the skin stretched tight over a drum or
a rubberband on the verge of snapping.
A Time
of Leaving
I have
so got to get the hell out of here. Not Japan,
but out of this city. I've been cooped up here for too long.
I haven't gone anywhere really since last summer and I didn't
go anywhere for Golden Week. It just seems like everything's
hitting me at once. It's been a rough week. And my supervisor,
Mr. T, just invited me to dinner on Saturday; I don't know
if I can get out of it. I'm sure he just wants to butter me
and the other ALTs up to all of our "responsibilites" with
the new ALT. Hell, I might just blow it off and go anyway.
I don't know. I'll see how I feel tomorrow.
But that
thing called adventure is definitely in the air. I might have
no choice about leaving.
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