May 10, 2001
now I'm feeling: Very Confused
now I'm listening to: Brilliant Green
Brilliant Green -- Lucky Star
-- The Golden Pavilion
my better judgement, I decided to try dating again. I've been
seeing this one girl, Kaori, and it seemed to be going well,
but this past weekend we went out and she just froze up in
the middle of our date. It was like kicking a stalled car
trying to get any response out of her.
really looks like that she has some issues that she has to
work through. I'm trying to work through them with her, but
sometimes I think, why should I? I'm tired of doing that.
Why does every girl (with one or two exceptions) I go out
with seem to have serious issues that need to be worked through?
I had to work through my own stuff, and did a pretty good
job, I thought.
the whole, she's a great girl. Like I said before, she's exceptionally
smart, very attractive, very diverse in her interests, well-traveled,
etc. Seems perfect on the cover, but opening up the book is
a different story. A bad habit I have these days is to compare
the girls that I would go out with to my ex-girlfriend. The
American girlfriend I broke up with just before I started
this journal. She was just about as perfect as I ever encountered.
There were issues, but nothing, nothing like
the other girls I dated. Half the time I think I should never
have broken up with her, and the other half I know it was
the best thing I could have done.
so I'm comparing Kaori to my ex all the time, something I
shouldn't do, and I have this little nagging voice in my head
that I shouldn't be going out with her, which has nothing
to do with the fact that I may be leaving soon. I trust my
intuitions a lot more than most people, but I think this voice
is there because I've just been burned too many times and
I'm afraid of getting burned again.
idea of taking on emotional baggage while dating her doesn't
really make me nervous, but the inevitable break-up does make
me nervous. Very nervous.
nervousness isn't totally unfounded. Last year I talked about
how Japanese women have no idea what a relationship actually
consists of. Yes, yes, yes, you can say that it's just considered
different things here in Japan, but the only reason
that at stages of relationship the stages aren't really defined
is so that one or the other can back out without too many
hard feelings because if you're dating, your just dating and
that means absolutely nothing. As far as I can tell, the only
thing that actually means something is if you are engaged
or something like that. Something that cements the other person
to you. If you don't have that, you could be out in the cold
the next day even if you've been going out for six months.
Like I said, it makes me nervous. We've talked about this,
at length, and we've both agreed that if we want to see other
people then all we have to do is tell the other person. But
we have to tell the other person, give them a heads-up warning,
because both of us have been hurt too many times. That was
the best I could get out of her.
been suffering all this week with fever and stuff because
I have tonsilitis. I hate it. At first I like getting out
of work, but then I know so many students are looking forward
to seeing me it makes me feel guilty then really bad. I've
been taking medicine and I'm supposed to be getting better,
but I'm not really and I'll have to go see him again. Hopefully
I'll be able to get into work next week.