Date:
May 7, 2000
Time:
10:40 pm
Right now I'm feeling: Severely depressed

Right now I'm listening to: Utada Hikaru

Utada Hikaru : First Love
I heard that Utada Hikaru is moving to the States soon to pursue a degree at Columbia University. Bummer part is that she's going to stop making music for a while. Damn. She's the best singer in J-Pop in my humble opinion.

This one must be great at frat parties

I knew there was a reason for terrible So. Cal. traffic

At last, a beer company not afraid to tell it straight

I quiver at the thought...

Quote of the Day:
"It is the chiefest point of happiness that a man is willing to be what he is."
-- Erasmus

Existential Crisis
I was up until four am last night.

I was about to pack it in for the night when I stumbled across this site. It's a great site. I'd seen this site before, but last night was the first time I really looked at it. It details a few of the exploits of a young man, an English teacher, while in Japan. Basically, his exploration of the local women while slightly drunk.

Ahhh, the temptations of Japan. The temptations of life. Women abound. Conquest all to easy. And all to easy to take advantage of.

I'm depressed because after reading of some of his exciting adventures I'm left with a hollow feeling in my gut.

I have not had the kind of experiences he had.

Let me make clear that I don't admire this guy. I'm not saying that I want to get drunk all the time or nail Japanese women by the dozen... that's not me. I don't drink at all, I'm a one-woman guy and I have a conscience the size of Texas. And it's not like I feel like I've done nothing with my life. I have accomplishments abound. But I have one handicap. One Achilles Heel which I'm reminded of every day. Something which everyone takes for granted, but I long for more than anything.

And that is: It is very difficult for me to have fun. A solution seems easy, doesn't it? But it's not. Not by a longshot. When in a crowd of people enjoying themselves, I'm often the one internalizing, sitting back in my mind and examining the people as a scientist or psychologist would.

I'm totally serious here. It's not that I'm shy... I used to be, but that's not a problem anymore. And it's not that I just need to learn how to relax. It just seems like I have more of a problem experiencing pleasure than anyone around me. I just don't feel like everyone else.

I don't remember too much from my childhood, to be honest. I was always a little depressed, but this came from my detachment; my detachment wasn't because I was depressed. I knew that I was detached, but for the life of me, I could never figure out why.

This is one of the things which drove me to philosophy. To understand what life really is. But before I understood that, I wanted to understand what it was to be really human. Haha! I sound like Data from Star Trek: TNG or the Tin Man from Wizard of Oz! Listen to me talk.

I became obsessed with this riddle. And now I realize that the more I tried to solve it, the more it distanced me from my prize.

Which leads me to where I am today.

Anywhere I go, whatever I do, I'm always faced with this wall. A barrier between me and what I do or who I'm with. It separates me from what I need, what I really want. Am I really living life? I don't really feel like I am. So when I see, meet, or read about people like this, I feel this hollow echo in my heart and a despairing lump in my throat. I feel that barrier between me and life that I can't break down. I can't think my way through. And this person is able to do what I can't.

Where does this guy get the inspiration or motivation or elation to lead his life like that? Why can't I be more like that? Why can't I grab my life by the horns and shake it down until it gives me what I want? What can I do to make my life more the way I want to? What, exactly, do I want my life to be? What makes me feel like I'm not living it the way I should? I don't really want a life like his, but what do I want? What will make me happy?

"WHAT DO I WANT?", my mind shouts.

"I don't know", my heart whispers.

Billboards

My father just sent me an email with these amusing pictures of billboards attached to it. They brought a smile to my face, something that was sorely needed. Thanks, Dad!

To the Archives What has Past What is Yet to Come Go Home Email Me! Subscribe to my Notification List