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Existential
Crisis
I
was up until four am last night.
I
was about to pack it in for the night when I stumbled across
this site. It's
a great site. I'd seen this site before, but last night was
the first time I really looked at it. It details a
few of the exploits of a young man, an English teacher, while
in Japan. Basically, his exploration of the local women while
slightly drunk.
Ahhh,
the temptations of Japan. The temptations of life. Women abound.
Conquest all to easy. And all to easy to take advantage of.
I'm
depressed because after reading of some of his exciting adventures
I'm left with a hollow feeling in my gut.
I have not had the kind of experiences he had.
Let me make clear that I don't admire this guy. I'm not saying
that I want to get drunk all the time or nail Japanese women
by the dozen... that's not me. I don't drink at all, I'm a
one-woman guy and I have a conscience the size of Texas. And
it's not like I feel like I've done nothing with my life.
I have accomplishments abound. But I have one handicap.
One Achilles Heel which I'm reminded of every day. Something
which everyone takes for granted, but I long for more than
anything.
And
that is: It is very difficult for me to have fun.
A solution seems easy, doesn't it? But it's not. Not by a
longshot. When in a crowd of people enjoying themselves, I'm
often the one internalizing, sitting back in my mind and examining
the people as a scientist or psychologist would.
I'm
totally serious here. It's not that I'm shy... I used to be,
but that's not a problem anymore. And it's not that I just
need to learn how to relax. It just seems like I have more
of a problem experiencing pleasure than anyone around me.
I just don't feel like everyone else.
I
don't remember too much from my childhood, to be honest. I
was always a little depressed, but this came from my detachment;
my detachment wasn't because I was depressed. I knew that
I was detached, but for the life of me, I could never figure
out why.
This
is one of the things which drove me to philosophy. To understand
what life really is. But before I understood that, I wanted
to understand what it was to be really human. Haha!
I sound like Data from Star Trek: TNG or the Tin Man
from Wizard of Oz! Listen to me talk.
I
became obsessed with this riddle. And
now I realize that the more I tried to solve it, the more
it distanced me from my prize.
Which
leads me to where I am today.
Anywhere
I go, whatever I do, I'm always faced with this wall. A barrier
between me and what I do or who I'm with. It separates me
from what I need, what I really want. Am I really living
life? I don't really feel like I am. So when I see, meet,
or read about people like this,
I feel this hollow echo in my heart and a despairing lump
in my throat. I feel that barrier between me and life that
I can't break down. I can't think my way through. And this
person is able to do what I can't.
Where
does this guy
get the inspiration or motivation or elation to lead his life
like that? Why can't I be more like that? Why can't I grab
my life by the horns and shake it down until it gives me what
I want? What can I do to make my life more the way I want
to? What, exactly, do I want my life to be?
What makes me feel like I'm not living it the
way I should? I don't really want a life like his,
but what do I want? What will make me happy?
"WHAT
DO I WANT?", my mind shouts.
"I
don't know",
my heart whispers.
Billboards
My
father just sent me an email with these amusing pictures of
billboards attached to it. They brought a smile to my face,
something that was sorely needed. Thanks, Dad!
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